I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
