were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
