I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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