She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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