im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
