my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
