i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
