If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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