thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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