just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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