It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
