put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
