My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
