HIV tests are more positive than that guy
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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