I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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