There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
