That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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