I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
