I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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