I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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