did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
