I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
