I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
as a side note pls kill me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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