it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
