She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
