i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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