his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
