I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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