yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
