i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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