I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
we should paint friendship bongs
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
