you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
