turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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