Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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