I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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