In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
