Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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