somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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