We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
