sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
