Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
