I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
