I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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