I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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