Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
