I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Houston, we have a squirter
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
