i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
