new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
