OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
