I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
