The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
