my vag is so smooth its legendary
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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