$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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