I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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