he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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