I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
