I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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