What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
