Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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