i may or may not be watching the land before time
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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