Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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