Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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