Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
